Magic Number 2

My Madison Grace is 22 months old today!  That means that in 2 months she will be 2 years old!!  I already have her practicing saying that she is 2 years old.  I ask her how old she is and she says two and tries to hold two fingers up but it's more like 3-4 fingers.  But it's the effort that counts.  Oh man!!!  The holiday season is coming up.  I'm getting stressed out for more reasons than one.  I've been feeling so...I'm not sure how to put it..."out of it" lately.  I don't know I feel like I have no routine and things are all out of wack lately.  I need to snap out of it and get me butte back in gear.  Certain contributing factors aren't helping these feelings that I have been having.  Hopefully everything will straighten out within these next few weeks.  Because when things get like this I tend to shut down and that isn't good.
Anyways, Maddie's excema is really, really bad again.  And it is spreading.  I know excema spreads but it has never spread like this before.  And she has had excema since she was a few months old.  I have tried everything and some of things I have tried work for a little bit and then the excema comes back full force again.  The skin on her legs especially is so inflamed and tough.  She scratches all the time and we are both sick and tired of this excema problem.  I took her to the pediatrician today and she gave me a prescription for a medicine that is for her itching.  I'm making an appointment tomorrow with an allergist so we can figure out what is the best way to treat her because this excema business is not pretty.
I can't wait for Halloween so I can take Maddie trick-or-treating and dress her up in her super cute costume.  I've been wanting to take her to the pumpkin patch.  Hopefully tomorrow!  So if all goes well I should have pictures up of the pumpkin patch soon!  But that is about it for now.

Anticipated

Now who could not love this right here. Look at that goofy (but beautiful) little face and those (now long) curls. Things didn't happen the way I wanted them to, the way they were supposed to. I took advantage of the freedom that I had when I was 18. I made some mistakes. I hung around the wrong person. I suffered the consequences. I'm still suffering consequences. I love my daughter. I love my daughter more than anything in the world. I never thought I could love anyone as much as I love her. And I hate that she has the suffer consequences from MY actions. This is something I struggle with basically everyday of my life. Somedays more than others. Sure she doesn't know anything about what I am talking about now. She will ask about her dad when she gets older and I'm sure she will have plenty of other questions about our lives also. I blame myself to a certain degree in regards to the fact that she is going to go through life without knowing her biological father. I blame myself completely for the fact that I had her at a point in my life when I had no business having a baby (especially one with the person I had her with). I'm not sure if this is making any sense but here is the real reason why I am writing this post....

I have been wanting write this post for a while but I haven't been motivated to get around to it. It's no secret that I have family issues. I know every family has issues. But I feel like my family has an excessive amount. There are issues on both sides of my family. There are complicated and not so complicated issues. They all seem to affect me and/or Madison directly and indirectly. I have shed wayyyyyy too many tears over these family issues. Madison's first Christmas and birthday wasn't the best experience for me because of some things that were/are going on in my family. But that is a long, complicated story that I won't bore you with. Instead I'll bore you with a different not so long but kind of complicated family issue that I want to get off my chest. A little background: My uncle and his wife have 4 kids and 1 on the way. My uncle's wife has 1 daughter from a previous marriage and the rest are my uncle's kids. Her daughter from the previous marriage is more thought of as his biological daughter than a stepdaughter becuase she has been around him and the rest of our family since she was about 3 and she is 13 now. For the about the past 2 years my uncle's family have been going through issues of their own. His wife has some things against my grandparents. Therefore she hasn't let her kids see them much. Which my grandparents are the farthest you could ever get from being bad people and they love their kids and grandkids more than anything. Her and my grandmother just don't go well together. Granted, there are a lot of other issues that I am not going to write down. A lot of things concerning my uncle's wife that I don't know about. But I have talked to my family members and know a good amount of what has happened. But anyways, I went about 2 years without seeing my cousins. The last time I saw them (other than in June when I was visiting) was on my 19th birthday, which also happened to be the day that I told my uncle that I was pregnant. The first weird thing that I noticed was at my babyshower. My uncle was there for a little bit cooking on the BBQ. He was by himself. Then he left early and his wife came for about 15 minutes. The kids never came over. I visited a few times before Madison turned 1. My uncle came by my dad's apartment for about an hour one of the times I was down there. He never brought the kids or his wife. For Madison's first birthday that I had down in Miami for my family that lived down there I sent them an invitation. My family kept saying I don't know if they are coming they haven't said anything. So I called him and left a message saying I really wanted him to come so I could see him and my cousins. A day before, or the day of the party my uncle called saying that he was coming and bringing the two youger kids to the party. He wouln't be bringing my two older cousins. I already knew the reasom why this was happening. And yeah it brought tears to my eyes. I got a better understanding of it when I was down there this June and my grandmother was talking to me about the situation. She told me that before I got pregnant my uncle and his wife used me as a "good example" for her daughter as a young girl that was from a divorced family. When I got pregnant they didn't know how to explain it and they didn't want their kids to see "just the good side" of having a baby young and out of wedlock. They thought if they brought their kids around me that it would send the wrong message. Hello... This is where you talk to your kids. Sit down and explain to them that I made the wrong decisions and it isn't all flowers and sunshine but that we are family and we love each other and no matter what we are supposed to show support. It's not like they don't they have experience in this considering that she was 7 months pregnant as she was marrying my uncle. And they could have sat down and talked to them about the situation, but I don't know. I would even be more than happy to talk to her about what I did and the decisions I have made and how hard it has been. I'm not stupid. I know why I didn't see my cousins for two years and they didn't see my daughter until she was 1 1/2 and that visit wasn't even very long. Don't get me wrong I KNOW the family issue regarding my uncle and his wife are wayyyyyyyyyy beyond me and what I just wrote down is just a little part that affects me. And I know far from everything that has gone on between them. And I am in no way trying to bash anyone in my family. But it still affects me. And it makes me feel like shit when it affects my daughter.

This isn't the only family issue that has affected Madison. No, she doesn't know any of this yet and I never want her to. My kid is no different than any other kid in my family just because I had her before I got married. I don't want her to suffer from my consequences. Especially when the cause is coming from certain people in her own family. I will do all I can do to make sure she only feels the love and positivity from the people that show her that.

Deceit

In my post about our trip this past weekend I said that there were some other things that happened during our trip that I wanted to write about also. Well here it goes...

Madison's father and his family live in Ft. Lauderdale. (I lived there with my dad for almost a year. When I got pregnant I made the decision to move back in with my mom in Tampa.) I was there from Friday to Tuesday and on Monday I made the decision to text message his sister telling her that me and Maddie were in town if she wanted to come by and see her. (Keep in mind I haven't spoken to any of them since November.) I got a text back within a minute that I had the wrong number. So I text back saying this isn't Eddie's sister? The person took a little longer to respond this time but said no, I don't know a Eddie or Maddie. I thought this was kind of weird. So me, being the person that I am, called the number and blocked my number to see if it was true that her number changed. Nope!! Not true! She answered!! I had the phone on mute and I let her say hello twice and then hung up the phone. I looked at my dad who was in the car with me and said that was her. I have been around her enough and talked to her on the phone enough to know her distinct voice. I don't understand why she would do that. She has always been the one that seemed to show the most interest in Madison. She has seen her more than Eddie or his mother has. And she has called me more than her mother has also. I haven't done anything either. I have never acted like a crazy bitch of an ex girlfriend and baby mama. It's not like I call their house or cell phones all the time demanding money and things. I've never asked them for anything other than to come see my daughter. I have contacted them every single time I have been down there except for once. That was when I had Maddie's first birthday party for my family to celebrate down there in January. I sent them an invitation but they never said anything to me so I didn't bother saying anything when I was down there. I just don't get it. It's like they don't think of my daughter as being a person. Yes, she is just a baby now and she doesn't understand but she is going to grow up. What am I supposed to tell her? Your father, aunt, and grandmother don't love you or care about you. I mean how could she deny my little girl like that? I don't understand people. They say they will be there for you until things get hard or selfishness comes into play. I have seen that soo much in my own family since my daughter was born. Not to down play the much support I have but it's hard when I have negativity coming from quite a few of my family members also. Anyways, back to what I was saying before. The last time I had spoken to Eddie's sister and mother was in November. His mom mentioned Eddie and how he was ashamed because he hasn't been able to send me money or whatever. And I told them I hadn't heard from him since July and I didn't appreciate how he still talked to me like we were friends because we weren't friends (I'm sensing a trend here). That's the only thing I can think of that would upset anyone. That and I didn't let Eddie come see Madison since last April. But his sister still saw her after that. I should probably stop trying to stop analyze it all and just except it. I need to accept the person that is my daughter's father and I need to accept that neither him or anyone in his family is going to accept my little girl. I told my dad when I was down there that I feel like Madison is half adopted because I know nothing about her father's family. Regardless, I need to make sure she feels all the love in the world by the ones that TRULY care for her and will always be there for her. I know from many, many of my own experiences that deciphering what person in your life you can truly trust will always be there for you unconditionally is hard. I want to make it my mission in life to never turn my back or give up on my daughter in any way. No matter how hard things get. Even if I am at the end of my rope and feel like there is no hope. I will never deny or deceive her.

Crazy

I had a mini anxiety attack (or whatever it was) earlier this evening. You know the kind of thing where you feel like the walls are closing in, the voice in your head sounds like it is screaming at you and the next person that looks at you has the potential to set you off on a yelling rampage. Yeah that kind of thing. It hasn't happened to me in a while. Maybe it happened because of the stress of the upcoming week or the fact that a house was a mess and my stepdad has been in one of his jerky (-nice way to put it) moods the past few days. Or maybe it was Maddie being extra clingy and cranky tonight, my 11 year old brother giving me horrendous attitude and the other two not listening to me. Or just maybe it could possibly be the fact that I might be jobless next week when I come back from visiting my family. Whatever it was it didn't last too long. I took 4 Ibuprofen, (I also had a pounding headache), put Maddie to bed, picked up the living room, swept and mopped the kitchen floor and studied for my final. Well now that I got that out of my system here are some pictures of Maddie playing outside...
It was really hot outside today

Sometimes I can't understand how a little girl so cute can be so highstrung. My daughter has a T E M P E R! She especially shows her temper towards my brothers and sister because she knows they will accomodate her, most of the time. No wonder she doesn't use her words, all she has to do is squeal and she gets her way. But she will get mad and stay mad. Like yesterday at the grocery store I let her snack on some teddy grahams while we were walking through the store. I had to take them away to pay for it and of course she screamed. But when I gave it back to her she continued to scream at the cashier. She was still mad about the situation!!! Apparently my one and a half year old holds grudges.

I have a lot more to write about but I'm tires and I have to wake up early so I am going to call it a night.

Venting

It's Friday night, I just got off work and I have no plans but a lot on my mind. So what else to do but blog huh? A lot has happened this week but I'm not going to blog about all of it. And what I am going to blog about I'm not going to bore you with details either, plus that would take to long. So I am going to try to be vague and hope that it makes sense at the same time. But FIRST a picture of my little girl with the crazy hair...

This picture cracks me up because it was sent to my phone by my friend Tuesday morning when she babysat for me while I went to class. My friend had to come over early so she laid in my bed and went back to sleep. And she woke up to this face smiling at her. Maddie is so funny! I guess she thought it was funny that someone else was sleeping in my bed when she woke up.

Okay. Wednesday night I was out with my best friend Stephanie. She was in the middle of breaking up with her boyfriend (she got back together with him-which is a whole nother "venting" post that I probably won't ever write because I feel kind of weird putting this story out there so I'm not going to put someone elses story out there). A little bit of background: My ex-boyfriend (who I mention briefly here) and I were friends for almost 3 years before we got together. After we started dating his best friend and my best friend Stephanie started dating. The 4 of us did a lot together but we also had a lot of immature drama going on between us too. Needless to say our "friend circle" broke after me and my ex broke it off. Or so I thought. Here enters the venting part. Back to Wednesday night. Not even 5 minutes after Stephanie and I went to pick up her stuff from her boyfriends house she gets a call from my ex trying to be all nosy. So I got angry and started yelling in the background for him to mind his own damn business. And then he asked what my problem was and I yelled back I don't know maybe its because I no personality (which is what he apparently said about me after we broke up-that and the only good thing about me was my smile and big boobs). Anyways me yelling at him through the phone apparently "really upset him" and caused him to text me and call me the next day. My ex has a complex with needing everyone to like him and he can't handle it when someone doesn't. And I pointed this out to him and of course he denied (even though he admitted it to me when we were together). So against my better judgement I spoke to him Thursday night because he was obviously not leaving me alone and I had a few things I needed to get off my chest anyways. To shorten up our 45 minute conversation he was telling me how he still considered me a really close friend and doesn't understand why I was going off at him because he never did anything to me. I responded with the question of what was his definition of a really close friend because we hadn't spoken in months and usually friends talk to each other. And I also reminded him of the lies that I caught him in and the many levels of rejection that he gave me when we were together. And I was very blunt about how we were NOT friends and I really didn't want anything to do with him and if I knew he was going to react like this I wouldn't have said what I said the night before. Because I am going to be honest after we broke up I took it kind of hard, mainly because I dwell on things, and I am happy with not having to think of our relationship everyday anymore. Obviously talking to him makes me think of it all the time again and that isn't something I want to do. So he proceeded to call me cold-hearted and I cold-heartedly said oh well. He also brought up something that he just found out that I did after we broke up. And I told him that I really don't feel bad for what I did and he shouldn't be mad at me becuase it was after we broke up and I had nothing to do with him anymore. And again he said I was being cold-hearted and again I said oh well I'm okay with that. He said it was a defense mechanism for me and I shouldn't be like that. And maybe he's right but right now it's working out for me. Now don't get me wrong!!! I'm not a cold-hearted bitch with everyone! Just when I want and have to be. He kind of threw me off guard with the I consider you a close friend thing and I guess I threw up my defense mechanism because I didn't want to get my feelings hurt again. I told him this is the first time in my life where I can just break up with someone and not have to look back. I don't have anything tying me to him. So why go backwards? Why be friends with someone that I think about and more negative feelings come to mind than positive ones and I can't seem to look past that? But was I wrong to be so "cold-hearted"? I mean he admitted he should of done a lot of things differently. Of course I can't go back to him and say I want to be friends now, it's a little late for that. But I don't know was I in the wrong for acting the way I did?

Should I or Shouldn't I?

Ever since Maddie was born I have dealt with people asking about her father. Strangers and people I work with, go to school with, haven't seen in a while, etc. have asked the question. Lately my answer has been I haven't heard from him in almost a year. Which I haven't. July will be a year since I have talked to him and he has only seen Madison twice, the last time being last April. The second question people ask me (it's amazing how some people can be so nosy) is if I get child support and my answer is no. And then it's followed by WHY NOT?! Everybody that I have talked to says that I should and most of my family says that I should also. I have heard that I can't just let him off the hook like that. That it is money for Maddie that she needs. My response is always I don't need any help financially especially not from him. Or I just want the thought of him to disappear and I want no connection whatsoever. But what I understand is I don't have to deal with him through child support. The state acts as a middle person and I get the money no matter what and if he doesn't pay he gets thrown in jail. I have actually attempted to start this process a few times but I've never followed through. But tonight I went to the DCF Child Support Enforcement home page, filled out the application, printed it out and I am going to mail it tomorrow. I was able to fill out everything about him except for where he works. God knows if he even has a job right now. I have his address and SSN because I threatened him with doing this last year. And he was very nonchalant about it and that bothered me. And then I remember that Eddie is nonchalant about anything and everything and just doesn't care about a whole lot. My mom is scared that one day he is just going to pop in and say he wants to be a part of Madison's life or if something ever happened to me that he would come and take her away. Which are two scary thoughts and part of the reason why I haven't gone through the child support process. My thinking is maybe if he has to start paying child support then he'll think he's entitled to seeing her. If not now, later on. I don't know. I guess we'll see what happens with this. I don't know why I stress and am so nervous about it! Even though I would love to see the faces on him and his family when they get a letter or a phone call about this out of the blue. Ooops.. I guess thats the evil side coming out of me again.

The Days I Found Out

So when I first started my blog and I read other people’s blogs I had it in the back of my head that I wasn’t going to get involved in those “blog carnivals” that some people had. Well… I caved. I wanted to start Lynette Kraft’s Wednesday’s Walk Down Memory Lane. (Yes, I always secretly thought it would be fun). If you want to participate visit http://lynettekraft,blogspot.com I decided that I would this week because May 15 and May 16 are coming up. These two dates are very significant to me. So brace yourselves this is probably going to be really long. Two years ago on Tuesday, May 15 was the day I took a pregnancy test and it came up positive. Two years ago on Wednesday, May 16 was the day that it was “definitely confirmed” that I was pregnant and the day I first saw my little tadpole. I remember that week of my life very well. I remember a few days before the 15th and I remember a few days after the 16th but those days were more of a run together blur. A few days before I found out I remember sitting in the Olive Garden I worked at at the time and I was telling one of the hostesses that I was feeling nauseous lately for some reason. She looked at me and said maybe you are pregnant. And I of course responded NO I’M NOT! The Sunday before the 15th was Mother’s Day. Then on Tuesday I was out with my stepsister and her cousin. We stopped by Walgreens and I decided to pick up a pregnancy test since I hadn’t had my period. I still remember exactly which Walgreens we were at and I remember taking it up to the counter like it was yesterday. I was so casual about. I didn’t give the fact that I was going to take a pregnancy and it could possibly come up positive a second thought. It was no big deal to me. I had taken them before and it always came up negative so why should this be any different?! I was just going to pee on a stick, look at the negative result. Throw the thing away and that would be that. Right? Wrong! Later that night me and my stepsister Marisela got home. We were staying in my dad’s apartment by ourselves at the time. I went to the bathroom and peed on the stick. Waited a few seconds. One line…and then something I had never seen before. There was a faded second line. I called Marisela into the bathroom and told her to LOOK at the thing and tell me what she saw. She told me to take the second test so I did. The same thing showed, there was a clear line and a faded line. We must have been a sight to see. I was in the apartment pacing back and forth and Marisela was sitting on the floor reading the pregnancy test instructions. Then she goes umm, Monica, uh-oh it says here that in a positive result the second line can be faded. “Sooo… what does that mean? I’m f****n pregnant? That’s just great!” I believe that was my exact response. And then on cue Eddie (baby daddy) called me from work. So I started freaking out at that point and he was telling me to calm down and go buy another pregnancy test to make sure. So Marisela and I went to the Wal-Mart up the street and I bought another box of pregnancy tests. This one had 3 in it. But needless to say all 5 of them gave me the same positive result. My stepsister just kept saying to me it’s not for sure until the doctor tells you. But I was pretty positive that I was pregnant. But it still hadn’t hit me. I also remember that night Marisela wanting these two guys to come over. And after the whole ordeal was over she asked if they could still come. I just looked at her and said are you kidding me? No! So I went to sleep and the next morning we woke up and I called my obgyn to make an appointment. I made the appointment for the next week. Then we both went off to work. At least I attempted to. I lost it that morning. I went into work crying and I went straight to the manager and said I thought I could come into work today but I just couldn’t do it because last night I found out that I was pregnant. He said okay, asked me if I was going to be alright to come in the next time I worked and I said yes and he let me go. I remember not knowing what to do. I was such a mess. Eddie of course didn’t have a cell phone at the time. So I went to his work which was down the street and he wasn’t there. Then I went to Marisela’s which was right down the street also. She saw me and saw that I had been crying. She told me to call the doctor and ask if I could get in that day. So I did. I remember them asking me if there was anything wrong and I said no that I just wanted to go in today. Somehow I tracked down Eddie and the 3 of us went to my doctor’s office. We got there and I had to fill out some papers. The whole time Marisela was looking over my shoulder going why are you answering these questions Monica we don’t know if you are pregnant or not. You shouldn’t be answering these questions this is stupid. Yeah she was in complete denial. I finished the paperwork and we went to this small little area where the nurse started asking me questions like when was my last period, what was my family history. Marisela interrupted her and said that I didn’t need to be answering these questions because I was only there to confirm that I was pregnant. Well it was more of a yelling at her than a calm interrupt. The nurse just looked at her and I could tell she wasn’t sure how to respond to that. So I told Marisela to relax. After that I peed in a cup and about 30 seconds after the nurse said yes, that it was “comfirmed” that I was indeed pregnant. Me being the person that I am started laughing. (Yes I get into a hysterical laughing fit when I get nervous and I don’t know what to do.) Eddie tried to hug me but I just told him to not touch me. The doctor came in and talked to me a little bit and said he wanted to do an ultrasound to take a look at the baby and measure it. So two more nurses came in and they did it internally. And I got my first glimpse at my baby girl with her strong heartbeat. I didn’t really say anything because I was still in shock and not sure how to process everything. Marisela was there also and Eddie made this gasping noise when he saw the picture of the baby. One of the nurses laughed and said to him aww are you okay you look like you are about to pass out. The doctor printed out to ultrasound pictures for us, did a pap smear (sp?), made another appointment and the three of us left. (Side Note: Eddie and I went to the appointment a month later and the same nurse that was asking the questions recognized us and said to me, before I recognized her, your friend isn’t here with you this time. I laughed and said no. Then the nurse that took my bloodwork was the same nurse that told Eddie he looked like he was about to faint and she remembered us and started laughing and said something to him again. I thought it was pretty funny that they remembered us because it is a really busy office. I guess we were a sight to see, a scared young mother with two of her young friends with her.) The three of us didn’t say much of anything to each other on the ride back. They were both on their breaks from work so I dropped them both off and drove home. And can you guess what happened to me as I was turning into my housing complex? I got into a car accident! Yep!! LOVELY day I had! The accident was my fault and needless to say the lady in the Jag that I hit wasn’t too happy with me. And I instantly started to cry… no bawl my eyes out would be a better description. I didn’t know what to do! So I called Marisela at work and of course she had to ask me a few times because she couldn’t understand what I was saying. She couldn’t leave work so she called my stepmom and she came. Which I didn’t really want her to do that because I was supposed to be at work and no one knew anything yet. So it was a perfect ending to a wonderful day. That night I called my mom and told her and I slowly began telling the rest of my family. That experience was hard and a lot more happened after that. My pregnancy wasn't easy and I was in labor from Christmas Eve morning until the morning after Christmas. But now I have a beautiful little girl that I love more than anything.

Wow! that was really long...I know if I do anymore Walk Down Memory Lanes they won't be this long. I just wanted to get it out there especially since it's about to be 2 year to the day since this all happened.

Here are a few preggo pictures...

I tried to find the one where I just had a little baby bump but I couldn't find it...

...I was huge, swollen and miserable here. This was only a few days before she was born.

Now a Maddie update. My poor baby doesn't feel good. She slept until almost noon this morning. When I got her up I gave her lunch and some juice to drink. She drank 3 cups of juice, which isn't really unusual for her because she likes her drink. I took her out of her highchair and sat down with her and she was really agitated. Sometimes she does this grunting thing wher she takes a breath and it's like she holds it and then grunts it out. She does this occasionally and I guess I don't really give it much thought. Well, she was sitting with me doing this for a few minutes. And she has never done it like that before so I was thinking maybe she was constipated becuase she has been a little constipated the past few days but I wasn't totally convinced. Then she puked up all of the juice she drank and it got all over me and her. So I got up to change her and she started acting weird and tensing up and then I noticed she was turning blue. Madison has never done anything like that before so I don't know. I called my mom and she said to just watch her and make sure she doesn't do it again because there really isn't much the pediatrician can do. She's been sleeping all day so hopefully she'll feel better and she doesn't do anything like that again!

Busy, Busy and Mother's Day

Today was my second Mother's Day and it was pretty uneventful. I didn't even get a picture taken with Maddie today so I posted one from last year. She was 4 1/2 months old. It was windy out and she is sticking her tongue out to feel the wind lol. It was pretty hectic at work today but not as awful as I thought it would be. Maybe because I knew what to expect and last year I didn't. It also helped that I worked in the morning and I didn't walk into the chaos at 5 o'clock like last year. After work I got home and played with Maddie a little bit and then put her to bed. I didn't see my mom because she had left for work by the time I got home.
This week has been pretty busy. My last few days in a nutshell: Wednesday me and Maddie were out all morning running errands and then I had to go to work at 4. Thursday I went to get my bi-weekly (or so) pedicure (which the lady totally screwed up my design). After that I met my friend for lunch and I listened to how awful her boyfriend was and all of the drama. Then I got home and I attempted to finish my take home math test for class later that night. But my mom asked me to take her to the hospital so she could get an epidural for her back because luck would have it and the doctor was there and would do it for her that night. So me and Maddie drove her and she was there for about 4 hours. To kill time I went to drop off my test to my teacher and asked her what kind of review she was doing for the midterm next week. She looked at me and said "Oh the midterm is next week?" Yeah its next week (great teacher awareness there). After the hospital we went to a late dinner and made a pitstop at Wal-Mart. We didn't get home until about 11. Which I NEVER have Maddie out that late so she was in kind of a daze. Friday I was on the phone in the morning with Medicaid trying to get the new pediatrician assigned to Madison's medicaid plan so she can go to the doctor. Well, to make a long frustrating story short the lady that I talked to 2 weeks ago didn't put me on the right plan that I asked for. And with my luck the general Medicaid system couldn't pull up my pediatrician so they can be assigned to Madison. So I have to wait another month to get it all straightened out. I wan not too happy at the thought that this could have all been avoided if the lady that I spoke to 2 weeks ago hadn't screwed up in the first place. So now I have to wait even more to take Maddie to the doctor. I went to work that night and after work I met up with my friend for dinner and heard all about the drama of how she broke up with her boyfriend (I'm getting to a point with that). I also found out that my ex (not Madison's father) has a girlfriend now. Which I'm not sure why I gave that a second thought. It's not because I am jealous. I am very clear about being perfectly happy not having a boyfriend. I don't have the time or the energy for one. It's not because I'm lonely. Because I'm not. I have a guy friend that I hang out with every once in a while when we are both free and we just keep each other company. And then there is this guy I met from school. He was kind of bugging me the past couple of weeks about hanging out with him and I kept turning him down and I haven't heard from him in the past couple days. Which is fine by me because he was texting me everyday and it was getting annoying. It's not because I miss him. We were friends for almost 3 years before we started dating but while we were dating it was just one big mistake. I could make a HUGE list of things that were wrong with our relationship but I'm not going to. I think it is because last time I heard he was lonely and miserable and I guess I wanted him to stay that way for a good while. Yes I am a little evil that way! muahaha!! Anyways.. Saturday before work Sarah and I ran a few errands. My stepdad has been really really sick and he wanted me to get a few things from the store for him so I went grocery shopping also while Maddie was napping. I was also stressing out about getting my friend to come pick up Madison for a little bit while I went to work because James was too sick to watch her. And my brother Jason (who helps out with Maddie too) was really sick too. But my mom came home early from work so it all worked out. By now I was also starting to stress that I hadn't done any schoolwork for the week. So I did some tonight and I'll do alot more tomorrow. I have also been yelling at my friend tonight who had been complaining about her boyfriend. She called me saying that she was meeting him in a few hours. I told her how absolutely ridiculous she is and she doesn't need to go running to a boy just because she is lonely. I said more because there is definately more to it. I think she was tired of me lecturing her because she pretty much hang up on me. I felt kind of bad because its not really like me to lecture my friends. There life is there life. But really now. She is my best friend and she has only been with this guy for 6 months and she has been off again on again with him too much. I just know what it is like not being able to let go and getting to deep into something and when you realize you need to get out it's too late. It's not worth it and I have unfortunately been in that situation more than once.

Anyway on the Maddie front.. her little legs are still pretty tore up. I'm not sure what to do about them anymore. She is still a happy little goofball though. I think I'm going to take a picture of them and post it up here. Also her evaluaion is scheduled for June 4th.

Here is a picture of Sarah the other night. This is how she fell asleep...

That's a balloon under her nightie. My stepdad said to me "Monica come her your sister is pregnant." Oh the silly things 7 year old little girls do! I can't wait to see the things Maddie does. I'm sure I'll have plenty of stories for the future.

April 9, 2007

Today is the two year anniversary of my Papa's death. He died of pancreatic cancer. His cancer wasn't too prolonged and he died at home instead of in a hospital. He never got to meet Maddie. I was pregnant when he died I just didn't know it yet. There are two things about his death that will forever be burned into my memory. The first thing being his last Christmas with us. I remember when my grandparents were at our house (it was probably a few days before Christmas) he was siting in our big chair and I was on the couch beside him. He looked at me and said in his drawn out southern voice "Monica you know I have cancer." "Yes Papa I know." "Now I don't have very long to live." "Don't say that Papa everything will be fine." As you can see I wasn't sure how to respond to that. It threw me off guard! Then at Christmas. I think it was Christmas Day because they probably left right after Christmas to go back home. We were saying our goodbyes and Papa said goodbye to me for good. He gave me a big hug and said "Now Monica you take care of yourself. Go to school and do something with your life. If not for anyone else do it for me." Wow! He had never said anything like that to me before. When I was telling my family about the conversations he had with me I found out that he hadn't brought up how he had cancer or said anything like what he said on Christmas to anyone else except for me. They saud it was probably because he knew that it was going to be the last time he ever would ever see me again. And it was. My aunt and uncle and cousin went up to visit on his birthday. And my mom, stepdad and the kids were there when he died (they were only there to visit but they ended up staying up there as my grandpa got worse). The day he died my cousin and aunt were driving up there because he wasn't doing well. I was working at Olive Garden down in South Florida. My cousin had been calling me for the past few days letting me know that he wasn't doing good at all. Then she called me while at work and I saw that I had a voicemail from her and I knew he had passed. So I left work and arrangements were made for me to fly to Tampa and then drive up to North Carolina with my uncle and my cousins husband. There were a lot of family and friends that went to his wake and funeral. The funeral home was packed with people saying there goodbyes and giving their love and support. But the second thing that will be burned in my memory forever is the viewing that was just for the immediate family before everybody else arrived. I haven't had many people close to me die. Actually my grandpa is the first death that I have experienced like this. The funeral director had me, my mom, my grandma, my aunt and my cousin walk in the room first. This being my first experience with anything like this I didn't know what to expect. As soon as we walked in the room and saw him we all started crying. I remember my aunt breaking down crying daddy daddy. We all hugged each other and when my grandma gave me a hug she was crying and told me that he loved me very much and always worried about me and just wanted the best for me. After the viewing we went to the church for the funeral service. It was the same church where they had their 50th wedding anniversary celebration. The pastor said a few words and read from the Bible. One of the verses he read was the one that Josh had learned and he wanted to call Papa and read him the verse because he knew he was sick and he wanted to make him feel better. After the service they had our family walk out of the church first. I just remember trying to walk quickly because I really didn't want anyone to look at me while I was crying. Even though I know it's okay for people to see my cry. While they were putting his coffin in the hirsch so we could go to his burial site I remember my cousin breaking down. After the pastor was done saying a few words at the burial site and we walked out from the under the tent I remember my mom breaking down. The only other funeral I had been to was my great-grandmothers. And I remember them lowering her coffin into the ground and the immediate family put roses on top of the coffin and said there last goodbyes as it was being lowered. But they didn't do it for him. My mom said that some people don't think it's appropriate for the family to watch their loved one being lowered into the ground. My grandpa was buried with a home made bird caller he used when he went hunting, a trucker hat that had me and my cousins faces on it that was made for him when we were younger and a cookie monster stuffed animal that the kids gave him in hopes that it would make him feel better.

I love my daughter

Now I love my daughter and it's obvious that I couldn't of imagined a more beautiful little girl. And I am so thankful that she was born healthy. But I had her so young. I had her with a guy that doesn't deserve to be her father. I had her knowing that I couldn't give her a "normal foundation of family". I had her without having any stability or foundation in my own life because I was only 19. I had her knowing that my life was never going to be the same again. I had her knowing I wasn't going to be able have the freedom that a lot of my friends have. I had her not knowing what I was doing or where I was going in life and it was scary. It is still scary. And it is still hard. My mom helped me out A LOT in the beginning with my pregnancy and Madison and making sure I had everything I needed for the baby. And she still helps me out a lot. I was going through sooooo many emotions when I was pregnant and when Madison was first born. Moving back up here was a lot for me to handle and it was hard. (Maybe I'll get into that on a later day). The first year that I was here and Maddie's first few months felt like a dream. I still have to stop myself sometimes and be like wow this is my life and this little girl is really MY daughter. I've made some progress since then but definately not as much as I want to. Since I've gone back to school I know a little more what I am going to do with my future and I have a goal. But there is more pressure on me to do it now because of Madison. And I am doing it. I want Maddie to think of her mom as strong and independant. I have a drive now. I have a goal. I have a drive. I have a purpose. I can't mess up again because I have Madison. I'm not perfect. And I am not a naturally ambitous or driven person. It might have taken me a little bit but I have made my FIRST step to independence and so far (even though it's my first semester) I've been doing good (A's and B's- the A was in my first teaching class). I really don't think I would of had a drive or will to better myself before I had Madison. I think I would have been fine and content with my life of fooling around and doing nothing until it might of been too late and I would have been stuck. I had to learn the hard way though. And I have missed out on a lot because I had a baby so young. And I've lost my chance to know what it's like to do the whole marriage and family thing the "right and accepted" way. But like I said I love my daughter. I love her more than I love my own life. And I am so glad I had her even though it's hard and I know it's just going to get harder. And it hurts me that she doesn't have a good father. But she has family that love her a lot. The family that has chosen to be in her life. Sometimes I feel guilty because of how I had her. I don't want her to be angry at me for having her too young and with a guy that doesn't want to be in her life. That thought alone makes me want to better myself fo her. So she can look at her mom as a role model. So she can look at her mom as someone who beat the odds. But I AM realistic and I know that things are going to take time.

Just some thoughts...