Thursday, August 13, 2009


Now who could not love this right here. Look at that goofy (but beautiful) little face and those (now long) curls. Things didn't happen the way I wanted them to, the way they were supposed to. I took advantage of the freedom that I had when I was 18. I made some mistakes. I hung around the wrong person. I suffered the consequences. I'm still suffering consequences. I love my daughter. I love my daughter more than anything in the world. I never thought I could love anyone as much as I love her. And I hate that she has the suffer consequences from MY actions. This is something I struggle with basically everyday of my life. Somedays more than others. Sure she doesn't know anything about what I am talking about now. She will ask about her dad when she gets older and I'm sure she will have plenty of other questions about our lives also. I blame myself to a certain degree in regards to the fact that she is going to go through life without knowing her biological father. I blame myself completely for the fact that I had her at a point in my life when I had no business having a baby (especially one with the person I had her with). I'm not sure if this is making any sense but here is the real reason why I am writing this post....

I have been wanting write this post for a while but I haven't been motivated to get around to it. It's no secret that I have family issues. I know every family has issues. But I feel like my family has an excessive amount. There are issues on both sides of my family. There are complicated and not so complicated issues. They all seem to affect me and/or Madison directly and indirectly. I have shed wayyyyyy too many tears over these family issues. Madison's first Christmas and birthday wasn't the best experience for me because of some things that were/are going on in my family. But that is a long, complicated story that I won't bore you with. Instead I'll bore you with a different not so long but kind of complicated family issue that I want to get off my chest. A little background: My uncle and his wife have 4 kids and 1 on the way. My uncle's wife has 1 daughter from a previous marriage and the rest are my uncle's kids. Her daughter from the previous marriage is more thought of as his biological daughter than a stepdaughter becuase she has been around him and the rest of our family since she was about 3 and she is 13 now. For the about the past 2 years my uncle's family have been going through issues of their own. His wife has some things against my grandparents. Therefore she hasn't let her kids see them much. Which my grandparents are the farthest you could ever get from being bad people and they love their kids and grandkids more than anything. Her and my grandmother just don't go well together. Granted, there are a lot of other issues that I am not going to write down. A lot of things concerning my uncle's wife that I don't know about. But I have talked to my family members and know a good amount of what has happened. But anyways, I went about 2 years without seeing my cousins. The last time I saw them (other than in June when I was visiting) was on my 19th birthday, which also happened to be the day that I told my uncle that I was pregnant. The first weird thing that I noticed was at my babyshower. My uncle was there for a little bit cooking on the BBQ. He was by himself. Then he left early and his wife came for about 15 minutes. The kids never came over. I visited a few times before Madison turned 1. My uncle came by my dad's apartment for about an hour one of the times I was down there. He never brought the kids or his wife. For Madison's first birthday that I had down in Miami for my family that lived down there I sent them an invitation. My family kept saying I don't know if they are coming they haven't said anything. So I called him and left a message saying I really wanted him to come so I could see him and my cousins. A day before, or the day of the party my uncle called saying that he was coming and bringing the two youger kids to the party. He wouln't be bringing my two older cousins. I already knew the reasom why this was happening. And yeah it brought tears to my eyes. I got a better understanding of it when I was down there this June and my grandmother was talking to me about the situation. She told me that before I got pregnant my uncle and his wife used me as a "good example" for her daughter as a young girl that was from a divorced family. When I got pregnant they didn't know how to explain it and they didn't want their kids to see "just the good side" of having a baby young and out of wedlock. They thought if they brought their kids around me that it would send the wrong message. Hello... This is where you talk to your kids. Sit down and explain to them that I made the wrong decisions and it isn't all flowers and sunshine but that we are family and we love each other and no matter what we are supposed to show support. It's not like they don't they have experience in this considering that she was 7 months pregnant as she was marrying my uncle. And they could have sat down and talked to them about the situation, but I don't know. I would even be more than happy to talk to her about what I did and the decisions I have made and how hard it has been. I'm not stupid. I know why I didn't see my cousins for two years and they didn't see my daughter until she was 1 1/2 and that visit wasn't even very long. Don't get me wrong I KNOW the family issue regarding my uncle and his wife are wayyyyyyyyyy beyond me and what I just wrote down is just a little part that affects me. And I know far from everything that has gone on between them. And I am in no way trying to bash anyone in my family. But it still affects me. And it makes me feel like shit when it affects my daughter.

This isn't the only family issue that has affected Madison. No, she doesn't know any of this yet and I never want her to. My kid is no different than any other kid in my family just because I had her before I got married. I don't want her to suffer from my consequences. Especially when the cause is coming from certain people in her own family. I will do all I can do to make sure she only feels the love and positivity from the people that show her that.

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