Thursday, April 2, 2009

I love my daughter

Now I love my daughter and it's obvious that I couldn't of imagined a more beautiful little girl. And I am so thankful that she was born healthy. But I had her so young. I had her with a guy that doesn't deserve to be her father. I had her knowing that I couldn't give her a "normal foundation of family". I had her without having any stability or foundation in my own life because I was only 19. I had her knowing that my life was never going to be the same again. I had her knowing I wasn't going to be able have the freedom that a lot of my friends have. I had her not knowing what I was doing or where I was going in life and it was scary. It is still scary. And it is still hard. My mom helped me out A LOT in the beginning with my pregnancy and Madison and making sure I had everything I needed for the baby. And she still helps me out a lot. I was going through sooooo many emotions when I was pregnant and when Madison was first born. Moving back up here was a lot for me to handle and it was hard. (Maybe I'll get into that on a later day). The first year that I was here and Maddie's first few months felt like a dream. I still have to stop myself sometimes and be like wow this is my life and this little girl is really MY daughter. I've made some progress since then but definately not as much as I want to. Since I've gone back to school I know a little more what I am going to do with my future and I have a goal. But there is more pressure on me to do it now because of Madison. And I am doing it. I want Maddie to think of her mom as strong and independant. I have a drive now. I have a goal. I have a drive. I have a purpose. I can't mess up again because I have Madison. I'm not perfect. And I am not a naturally ambitous or driven person. It might have taken me a little bit but I have made my FIRST step to independence and so far (even though it's my first semester) I've been doing good (A's and B's- the A was in my first teaching class). I really don't think I would of had a drive or will to better myself before I had Madison. I think I would have been fine and content with my life of fooling around and doing nothing until it might of been too late and I would have been stuck. I had to learn the hard way though. And I have missed out on a lot because I had a baby so young. And I've lost my chance to know what it's like to do the whole marriage and family thing the "right and accepted" way. But like I said I love my daughter. I love her more than I love my own life. And I am so glad I had her even though it's hard and I know it's just going to get harder. And it hurts me that she doesn't have a good father. But she has family that love her a lot. The family that has chosen to be in her life. Sometimes I feel guilty because of how I had her. I don't want her to be angry at me for having her too young and with a guy that doesn't want to be in her life. That thought alone makes me want to better myself fo her. So she can look at her mom as a role model. So she can look at her mom as someone who beat the odds. But I AM realistic and I know that things are going to take time.
Just some thoughts...

1 comment:

Anna said...

Just found your blog through Seth's. I had my daughter when I was 20. Found out a month after I turned 20 that I was preggo. So, young mamas can totally do it. I'm sorry your daughter's father isn't much of a daddy. I am also take ECE classes! I want to be either a preschool teacher or kindergarden someday. I am now 24 and also have a second baby, a son that turns 20 months tomorrow! Anyways, hope you don't mind I stopped by. :)